Caregiving Stories: Loretta Veney Interview

 I interviewed Loretta Veney, and she is such an asset to the caregiving community, especially for those that are caring for someone who lives with Dementia or Alzheimer's. 

What drove you to move her into a senior living community? Was it hard? Did you question yourself at times?

She first took care of her grandmother with colon cancer, she wanted to die at home and had a colostomy bag. She took classes for colostomy care. She and her cousins thought that their aunt wanted to help take care of her mom. 

Loretta wrote her book based on dementia and it came out of the blue. Her mom was 77 when diagnosed with dementia. We spoke about the woman that took a dishwashing job at the facility her husband was in since COVID started because they had never been separated. Instead of complaining, she changed her circumstances to solve the problem.

Loretta has spoken to gerontology students to prepare them for what they will encounter. Students are often shocked by the behaviors that she mentioned, including inappropriate things. She is a national speaker for Artis assisted living.

How did you equip yourself to become a family caregiver?  

      She learned everything possible that she could, attended free courses, and joined organizations.

      What helped you get through those tougher episodes with her dementia? It’s not always easy to see your family member forgetting, or not being who they used to be, what kept you going during those times?

She learned everything that she could about dementia, went to Alzheimer’s association events, online groups, and communities just to feel prepared. Know what happens in each stage, use funny stories to talk about serious things. If you are going to visit, visit before 4pm, to prevent people from seeing the sundowning. 

On Loretta's 55^th birthday, her mother threw her birthday cake on the floor, and could not remember what a birthday was, could not remember who her daughter was, and did not understand why people were singing. 

Her caregiver said, “you know who she is.” She walked away from the situation (it was in a group home). What she learned to do, was to be whoever she wanted you to be at that time, just go along with it. “How could you forget me?” 

One of the first times that she escaped from the group home, someone called the police. The police got out, took a report, and Loretta showed up and said her daughter was here, and her mom said that she did not have any kids, and had to show so many pictures of herself to prove that she was her daughter. It is important to use humor to cope with those more serious situations. The necessity of preparing! 

Back-Up Plan

Talk about having a plan for care, and a back-up plan for care. Start making a backup plan list. Her husband died suddenly, and he did everything for his mom. She did not have a back-up plan. What was she going to do now that she was alone? Her church came up with a support group for her, and to write up all the things that he did for her, each person took a task. She used book money to pay for her mother’s care, but then her husband died in 2016, and had to continue speaking, writing, etc…

Make sure that you have a back-up plan. Are you currently taking care of your parents and managing a full-time job, personal commitments, as well as kids? This is a journey that can't be done alone. If you need to enlist home care services, bring on hospice, or make the move to senior living, know that you are trying to do what is best for your loved one. 

Motivation

When she started telling her story, she wanted to help move people. She was focused on celebrating; celebrating every minor accomplishment. Celebrate each smile, each successful transfer. You need to take a break from caregiving. There are specific activities for each stage of Alzheimer’s. She also learned to not waste her money, and to spend money on products at home they will use (old mail, keep doing what she is doing, and modify activities as the stages progress).

Focus on what the person can still do! Take pictures of what they can do, so that they can temporarily remember, and make sure that something is familiar (comfortable). Focus on the “I did that!” 

Look at the blessings of this disease. It saved her from having to tell her mom that her sister and husband had died. You can’t sugarcoat the disease, but you need to be grateful. Loretta also does presentations to lighten the caregiver load including new technology finds like, Independa – makes your TV a Skype mechanism. 

Dementia can be beautiful. There are moments of clarity that will show things you might not have even known about the person until they developed dementia. I took care of my grandmother when she had dementia, and it wasn't until she had moments of time-traveling that I understood how great of a baker and chef she was. I wasn't alive to see her adult years, and it was surreal to see who she was before I knew her, even though she was now living with dementia.  

Did you feel adequately prepared to take care of your mom?

No, I have put together resources to help caregivers not to make the mistakes she did. To plan things better. To have a back-up plan.

There are no amounts of tools in the world that can fully prepare you for the trials and triumphs of caregiving. Each day is different. There was a viral TikTok that was circulating around a caregiver taking care of a client that had spit on her and was holding a knife, and in an update post, she was singing and dancing with her client. There are moments that are tougher than others, but it is important to embrace the brighter moments for those that are tougher to endure. 

The biggest piece of information that has helped you as a caregiver?

“Every day is going to be different. What works today, may not work tomorrow.” This goes back to back-up planning. "A young lady doing her high school community service in a retirement home, there was a lieutenant colonel and she could only be calmed down by this one particular volunteer. She learned in 10 minutes, she would just take out her phone, and they would watch movies together."

Continue to do research on treatment, redirects, and follow advice columns like Quora and Reddit. 

How did the pandemic affect your relationship with your mom?

"My mom doesn’t understand why she can’t go outside in a group home setting. It's important for me to keep my circle small."

"I am constantly researching tools to keep track of my mom. My mom crossed a four-lane highway after escaping her group home. I was trying to find a way to keep track of her and found one that she could keep in her shoe. She never takes off her shoes and put them on the inside of her sole. Tools like these, it lightens the load of a caregiver. You can’t ward off everything bad that is going to happen."

Individuals living with dementia are more likely to contract COVID-19, learn more about what you can do to lower your risk!

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There are a lot of tools and resources for family caregivers, and other caregivers, and I am happy to connect people to the right resources, and Loretta Veney is a wonderful resource for caregivers as well! I am so thankful to have her as a connection on LinkedIn and to have had the chance to speak to her about caregiving. Here is her website!